Jaime C, 23, CT USA
I had a panic attack and an anxiety attack and an asthma attack and a sneak attack all rolled into one. I was shaking and my thoughts were racing and I threw up... without even being hungover. I realized that, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I didn't know who I was anymore??!!!@#@#$#%# 

I was filling out an application for a program, on which it asked standard questions like, "What are your hobbies? What are you passionate about? Tell us about yourself!" I love writing (the physical act of it) and especially filling out forms, so I started happily writing the canned responses that I've had internalized for years and and and oh my god suddenly I thought what in the fuckhell that's not even me anymore and those are NOT my hobbies and I am passionate about different things and I can't tell you about myself you dumb FORM because not even I know who the hell I am right now and I can't believe this generic application just made me CRY!  

And in swept the as-panic-xiety attack. 

I realized, just then, that I had changed, but I never really recognized or realized or conceptualized the change. I was so used to being one way and describing myself as such that I hadn't ever thought to re-evaluate it. I was going through life changing, adapting, learning, triumphing, faltering, advancing, relapsing, advancing... without taking the time to understand or appreciate or fix those things. I was being passive with my own identity.

Much like a business, I realized that I should do quality control and quarterly reviews and performance analyses on myself. It is impossible for me to be the same person I was 20, 10, even 5 years ago. That sounds like I'm an unstable wreck, but really, I have met new people, seen new things, experienced new adventures; learned more, loved more, hated more, hated less, traveled more; I've surprised myself, inspired myself, disappointed myself; I've been surprised by others, inspired by others and disappointed by others. Sure, my inner core is still the same, but my outer core, lower mantle, upper mantle and crust (what? is she making earth layer references?!) have been influenced by all of that. And it has taken me time to be okay with the fact that shit is going to happen and I can't help but be affected by some of it.

I still find myself freaking out about feeling unsure of who I am, who I want to be, who I don't want to be, what I want to do, where I want to be, where I don't want to be........... but I've learned to accept the fact that I can't possibly know everything right now. I'm a human--not a math problem. I mean, some math problems probably are more complex than some humans, but my point is, I can't expect to solve the equation of all the tangled intricacies of the human mind, body and spirit in the time it takes to do some calculus homework. 

One tip I have for feeling less anxious about some of the stressors in your life is to write them down. Take the headtrash OUT and put it on paper. It's cathartic. I write down what's bothering me and next to it, I write down ways I can solve it or what it will take to make me feel better about the situation.

So, I've found that the secret to not driving yourself mad with worry about trying to pin down your entire young identity is to re-fuckin-lax. First, don't expect to stay the same--and why should you? There is so much in this world to behold--your only job is to open yourself up to it all. Second, you will encounter a myriad of things in this life that may change you, so be prepared to set time aside every so often to reflect on those changes by doing annual reviews with yourself: What did I experience? What did I learn? How have I changed? Is it good or bad? Third, don't fret if you haven't gotten yourself completely figured out--it will and should take time. Instead of having an as-panic-xiety attack about it, busy yourself by collecting bits and pieces of life.  Try new things, meet new people, figure out what you like and dislike, experiment, read, travel, talk, listen... the more you see, hear, know, taste, experience, understand, enjoy, dislike.... the more you increase your surface area capable of letting life in... and the better you will understand yourself.