Jaime C, 23, CT USA
I had a panic attack and an anxiety attack and an asthma attack and a sneak attack all rolled into one. I was shaking and my thoughts were racing and I threw up... without even being hungover. I realized that, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I didn't know who I was anymore??!!!@#@#$#%# 

I was filling out an application for a program, on which it asked standard questions like, "What are your hobbies? What are you passionate about? Tell us about yourself!" I love writing (the physical act of it) and especially filling out forms, so I started happily writing the canned responses that I've had internalized for years and and and oh my god suddenly I thought what in the fuckhell that's not even me anymore and those are NOT my hobbies and I am passionate about different things and I can't tell you about myself you dumb FORM because not even I know who the hell I am right now and I can't believe this generic application just made me CRY!  

And in swept the as-panic-xiety attack. 

I realized, just then, that I had changed, but I never really recognized or realized or conceptualized the change. I was so used to being one way and describing myself as such that I hadn't ever thought to re-evaluate it. I was going through life changing, adapting, learning, triumphing, faltering, advancing, relapsing, advancing... without taking the time to understand or appreciate or fix those things. I was being passive with my own identity.

Much like a business, I realized that I should do quality control and quarterly reviews and performance analyses on myself. It is impossible for me to be the same person I was 20, 10, even 5 years ago. That sounds like I'm an unstable wreck, but really, I have met new people, seen new things, experienced new adventures; learned more, loved more, hated more, hated less, traveled more; I've surprised myself, inspired myself, disappointed myself; I've been surprised by others, inspired by others and disappointed by others. Sure, my inner core is still the same, but my outer core, lower mantle, upper mantle and crust (what? is she making earth layer references?!) have been influenced by all of that. And it has taken me time to be okay with the fact that shit is going to happen and I can't help but be affected by some of it.

I still find myself freaking out about feeling unsure of who I am, who I want to be, who I don't want to be, what I want to do, where I want to be, where I don't want to be........... but I've learned to accept the fact that I can't possibly know everything right now. I'm a human--not a math problem. I mean, some math problems probably are more complex than some humans, but my point is, I can't expect to solve the equation of all the tangled intricacies of the human mind, body and spirit in the time it takes to do some calculus homework. 

One tip I have for feeling less anxious about some of the stressors in your life is to write them down. Take the headtrash OUT and put it on paper. It's cathartic. I write down what's bothering me and next to it, I write down ways I can solve it or what it will take to make me feel better about the situation.

So, I've found that the secret to not driving yourself mad with worry about trying to pin down your entire young identity is to re-fuckin-lax. First, don't expect to stay the same--and why should you? There is so much in this world to behold--your only job is to open yourself up to it all. Second, you will encounter a myriad of things in this life that may change you, so be prepared to set time aside every so often to reflect on those changes by doing annual reviews with yourself: What did I experience? What did I learn? How have I changed? Is it good or bad? Third, don't fret if you haven't gotten yourself completely figured out--it will and should take time. Instead of having an as-panic-xiety attack about it, busy yourself by collecting bits and pieces of life.  Try new things, meet new people, figure out what you like and dislike, experiment, read, travel, talk, listen... the more you see, hear, know, taste, experience, understand, enjoy, dislike.... the more you increase your surface area capable of letting life in... and the better you will understand yourself.
 

Jaime C., 23, CT, USA


I loved the book and I love Julia Roberts, so, naturally, I am looking forward to seeing the film. Are there, too, many commas, in the, previous, sentence? 

I've never been through a divorce or a deep depression, but
Elizabeth Gilbert's words still managed to resonate deep within me. Eat, Pray, Love is an inspiring memoir, chronicling Gilbert's yearlong journey of recovery and self-discovery and it .  

I also bought her latest work, Committed, but I can't seem to get through it. Not sure if that's my fault (too tired/lazy/busy) or hers yet. 
 

"THAT GUY", 22, CT, USA

I'm probably the last person anyone would have guessed would be in the military. I'm very openly gay and for me it has always been a point of pride to be able to own up to it and be myself. However, coming out of college, in an economy that didnt offer much, the Army stretched out its money-filled hand and it's been a match made in heaven ever since. I originally joined under the impression that I could just skate through and do something menial until the economy rebounded and I could get out; as chance would have it, though, the Army and I have found each other to be quite useful. Of course, given the policies, I cannot tell anyone my little secret, but those who have met me of higher ranks applaud the things that someone of my persuasion can bring to the table. For example, I found myself giving speeches to an audience of Generals, Doctors, Colonels, and Professors, because of everyone in the room, I have the most eloquent way of speaking and a talent for owning the stage ;-). Since my arrival I've found myself much outside the world in which the typical gay guy plays sidekick to the girlfriend and shops and goes to classy venues wearing shades two sizes too big. Now I am a man, very strong and independent in my own right. I've been challenged to do things I never thought I could accomplish and been thrust into leadership positions again and again because I have a talent for it which I never knew I had. The Army has awakened in me the best parts of what I have to offer, and in return, I'm willing to give 200 percent. Now, if only I could tell someone! Haha!
 
David O, 29, CT 

Something I've learned in my short 29 years on this beautiful planet--it's really pretty easy, but so difficult to many. Be your f-in' self. Don't act like someone you're not, just to impress a group of friends or whomever. Let people love U 4 U; if they can't do that, then those people shouldn't be in your life. I know this first hand cuz I was like that for a while back in my younger days. Seriously, I was not me, I was who my "friends" wanted me to be and my life sucked now that I look back. Do I regret anything in my past? No, never cuz I learned from all that bull shit & it made me who I am today. The secret is: be yourself & in due time, the right group--the TRU friends--will surround you and life will be great. 


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